D E M E N T E D P E N G U I N . N E T

November 20, 2009

So this is 40

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 1:20 am
The "winter" look

The "winter" look

Today was my birthday, the big 4-0. How the hell did that happen?? Can’t say as I feel any different than I did 10 years ago but I suppose it’s all relative. Fortunately for me most people are surprised when they find out how old I am, but then again I’m still a child on the inside.

The day started out, well, I guess normal for how my life has been lately. I got up at noon (had been at work until past 2am the day before). I went to “breakfast” with my boss, which is a normal morning thing. We went to the same place we always go – it’s a place called Hearts. This morning was a bit different than normal in that there was a crew there filming for a Census commercial. I was *hoping* that they were filming My Name is Earl (Hearts has been in a few of the episodes) and that they had revived the series, but one of the crew members confirmed that it wasn’t. After that we left for work.

Today was pretty hectic at work because we are releasing the store part of our game (League of Legends) tonight. I’m not the one doing the deploy but I have to be there at 6am in the morning for the second coverage shift. It’s a pretty big deal because we were supposed to release the store three weeks ago but there were some pretty big issues with it so the developers had to bring it all in-house and has been working feverishly on it. We are all pretty excited about it going out and can’t wait to watch the daily numbers. I got home early tonight, midnight, and should really head off to bed. For anyone who knows me they know I am in no way a morning person, and I have to get up in 4.5 hours. Ugh.

The highlight of the day was Hayden called me and sang me Happy Birthday. I wish I had been able to record it! That is one awesome kid, I sure miss him.

So there you go – my 40th birthday recap.

November 7, 2009

Latest update

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:44 pm

It ‘s amazing to me how fast this year has gone by, but then again I’ve been mired in work and other things so time is bound to go by quickly I guess. Already a week into November? Dang.

So far SoCal has been living up to my expectations. In the last month there has only been 2 days of rain, some of the nights have been really foggy on the city side but clear in the valley, and the daytime temps have been in the 70’s-80’s. That’s why I wanted to move here. Last weekend I went to Seattle and it rained every day there. I do not miss that at all. I would never be able to justify owning a motorcycle in Washington, I just wouldn’t get to ride it enough. Here I ride it every day except when it rains – which is about 2-3 weeks a year.

As I mentioned, I went to Seattle last weekend to see Hayden. We spent about 24 hours together and had some fun. We went trick-or-treating, went to lunch with my Mom and Bob, went to Chuck-E-Cheeses, and had a sleepover at my Dads place.  It was a bit weird seeing Nickey for the first time in three months but things went ok, although she seems to feel the need to tell me way to much about her personal life. We have been tentatively talking about Hayden coming down to stay with me for about a week after Christmas which would be really cool. Just a couple of “dudes” hanging out together.

Apparently my neighbors house was almost broken into 2 weeks ago. She got hit last year too, but this time someone saw them so they took off before they could take anything. She asked if I could put one of my dogs in her backyard during the day on the weekdays to try to discourage them from coming back again. Even though Loki is much more intimidating I think Zoe is a better fit for the job because she’s easier to manage. My neighbor just had back surgery a few months back and I’d be afraid Loki would hurt her. He’s such a brute sometimes. As it turns out my neighbor is actually afraid of Loki anyway, and Zoe is doing a good job so she was definitely the right choice for the job.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me and my personal computers. About two weeks ago my personal laptop at work had the hard drive die on me, then today I had the hard drive in my home laptop go bad and the power supply in my desktop die. It’s a good thing I have the netbook work gave me otherwise I’d be computer free at the moment.  That can’t happen…..

October 4, 2009

Week 40 of 2009 was hell

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — admin @ 7:40 pm

Things at work have been high paced (higher than normal), high stress, and long hours the last few weeks. This past week was one of the worst so far. We’ve had to do a few 2am site restarts, 5am deploys, and most nights I don’t get home until sometime after 11pm. Between Tuesday and Wednesday I got a combined total of 7.5 hours of sleep. In a weird way it’s pretty rewarding. It’s unfortunate that we need to work such long hours in order to make any progress but hopefully it will slow down considerably once we find another SA and after the game finally launches.

Yesterday I went to lunch with the crew from MonsterTrak. We were going to have a bbq at my place but since there were a few that couldn’t make it we decided on just meeting for lunch. I’m actually glad it worked out that way because I haven’t had any time to get things ready for the bbq anyway. After lunch I came home and crashed for about 3 very needed hours.

Today is Hayden’s birthday, he’s 7 years old now. I don’t remember why, but he opened his gifts yesterday and called me while he opened the one from me. I wish I could have seen him open them, but the phone call was good too.

September 27, 2009

One last try….

Filed under: general topics — Tags: — admin @ 12:17 am

Last week I talked to Nickey for the first time in about two weeks. We talked a few times during the week – thanks to Nickey’s sister Tomi, who said that Hayden was feeling that I had abandoned him. When I talked to him, he asked me if I was going to “quit on him”. Aww – I felt so bad. I have *really* been missing him a lot lately. I’ve been unsure of what to do as far as he’s concerned, thinking back to what it was like for me as a child and having to deal with things between my own divorced parents growing up. Part of me felt I needed to make a clean break since I’m sure Nickey will find someone new eventually who will take the lead role as “dad”, and another part of me didn’t want to just let him go like that. I guess when I got the email from Tomi the choice was made a little more vividly clear, and when I talked to Hayden and he asked me that I felt like a total heal for even considering the clean break option. Between my pending divorce and that I let him down as a father I feel like a total and complete failure at this point. Poor kid. I told Nickey once that anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad. I really let him down there.

His birthday is on October 4th and I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do for him. I already sent some money for his birthday and today I got him a way too expensive gift – of course it’s bought out of guilt for how I’ve been lately, but I feel like I have so much to make up for where he’s concerned. I drive past his old school in the mornings on my way to work and see all the kids out playing and I can’t help but think of him. I can’t even go in his room because I’m so ashamed of how this has, and will, affected him.

For the time being, I’ve set a schedule to call him every Sunday. It does somewhat mirror my own childhood schedule with my mom but instead of the first and third Sundays I’m going to try to make it every Sunday.

The reason for the title of this post is because during one of the conversations I had with Nickey (an hour and a half long one) I told her I wanted to ask a question, just to get it out there and make sure we were on the same page as far as our relationship goes. I asked if she thought there was any chance of our relationship being repaired at all. She said that if she could get a guarantee that things would be completely different then she’d be back in a heartbeat but she didn’t think that was possible, so no. I have to agree with her, I seriously can’t guarantee something like that. I would totally commit to trying, but to Nickey – “Trying is failing with honor”. So back to the plan to file again. How could I wait until I was 35 to get married, when I thought I might be grown up enough to do such a thing finaly, and fuck it up so bad.

September 18, 2009

The craziness of work, but it’s only going to get worse

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 5:26 am

As I’ve mentioned before, where I work is now in hyper crunch mode. We are going live on the 22nd of this month and things are no where near ready, at least as far as I can see. Today I had to leave the dogs alone for 16.5 hours because it was one hellatious day, I left at 10am in the morning and didn’t get home until 4:30am today. I spent 6 hours at the datacenter in the morning setting up systems, battled for 4 hours with a web server in the afternoon (which ended up winning unfortunately), then another 5 hours at the datacenter after that. No lunch, a couple of smoke breaks, and back and forth to the datacenter a few times. It’s a good thing I love what I do…. I really feel bad for the dogs tho, they didn’t get to eat dinner until almost 5am.

September 15, 2009

Work and life

Filed under: general topics — admin @ 12:16 am

Seems like as the weeks go by things are getting crazier at work. Lately I haven’t been able to leave before 10:30 and I’m working on the weekends more and more. I’ll probably have to go in at least one day this coming weekend. Management is under the impression that after the game releases at the end of this month that things will start to quiet down after two weeks. None of us are fooled however, and we know it will be months before all the “hotfixes” and bugs are all sorted out. We’ve been searching for months now for another systems administrator to help out and now that we have two weeks until the game launches it’s seemingly a futile endeavor. Who would have thought that with the talented pool of professionals in L.A. that we still have not found anyone to fill the job. We’re finding that people are either a) completely crazy, b) lazy, c) not technical enough, or d) don’t have the personality to fit our company culture. If you’re reading this and think you have what it might take to work here, drop me a line – PLEASE.

I helped out my neighbor last weekend with installing WordPress on his Mac. I’ve never used a Mac before so it was really a learning experience for both of us. He was quite generous in his payment for my services by bbq’ing me a nice slab of salmon, wine, and a cigar. Being a former native of the Seattle area it makes complete sense that I love salmon. I would eat it every day if I could. There might be a point where I’ll need his help because I recently got a Samsung netbook through work (so I can be even more available) and I set aside a partition to install MacOS. I found a cool “Hackintosh” website (don’t have the link atm or I’d post it) that tells how to do the installation. I’ve been wanting to dable more in BSD as well as Mac’s, so it just sort of makes sense to give it a try. My biggest road block to getting a Mac has always been the price of their laptops, so this would be a great way to circumvent that. Most of the engineering team where I work use Mac’s so it would also help me to support them. I’ll post my progress on that – if there is any.

I’ve been practicing every day on the guitar and I think I’m slowly getting more fluid. I also finaly figured out how to tune my acoustic guitar, which is surprisingly easy to do. Here’s a great link: http://www.howtotuneaguitar.org/tuning/how-to-tune/ . I’m not ready to go on tour or anything, but hopefully I’ll get good enough that I could “jam” some day.

The house is almost completely cleaned up now. There’s mostly the sunroom left to clean, as well as some stuff that I need to decide if I need to donate, store, or throw out now. I’m thinking of painting next, but money is becoming a huge issue lately. After paying a ton of bills this past weekend and seeing the end balance in my account it is becoming rapidly clear that I need to re-re-re-evaluate my spending habits and pare them back even more. I can’t even afford to file for the divorce now. I’ll find a way but it may take some time unfortunately. It’s like a noose around my neck lately and it really needs to be done.

The dogs and the cat are all healthy and (seemingly) happy. The cat and I actually get along pretty well, which is strange because we really didn’t get along before. At least she has plenty of freedom, but I feel bad for the dogs. They have been amazingly good considering I’ve left them in the house for as much as 15 hours at a time. I try to leave as early as I can from work but, like I said, it’s been really crazy lately. They are really troopers and it’s so nice to come home and see how excited they are. They jump all over me and give me lots of love. I wonder where I’d be right now without them.

This past weekend I made a list of what I want from life. I think part of my problem over the last few years has been focus related – in every sense. I’m trying to come up with a list of what I want from life, what I feel I need in order to actually be happy. It’s obviously going to be a work in progress based on where I’m at and what’s going on at that time, but I’m trying to set the foundation vision for my future. Think of it as a mission statement for my life if you will. Oddly enough my strongest personality trait – “detective” – plays no part in my future. Wonder what that means….

One nice thing about everything that’s been going on lately is that I now have a whole new (well, old) wardrobe. I can now fit into clothes that I wore 4 years ago. I’ve lost about 25 pounds total now and am hoping to lose another 20 or so. It seems I’ve hit a bit of a plateau though, so we’ll see how it goes. If I can be more consistent about working out then I think I’ll break over the cliff of the plateau and hit my goal. I try to work out in the mornings but the past week I’ve been sleeping through my alarms. I don’t know what that’s all about….

Until next time – live the life you deserve, desire, and really need. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Words I have yet to live by.

September 5, 2009

New adventures

Filed under: general topics — admin @ 10:41 pm

In my last update I mentioned that I was going to go to La Jolla with the dogs. We did make the trip, although when I realized just how far it was going to be I almost decided not to go. But I know the dogs love their car rides so I decided to go after all – in the name of adventure. When we got there it was close to being a parking lot so we didn’t get to see as much as I’d planned to, but the puppies did get to enjoy a chicken sandwich like I promised them.

The following weekend (last weekend) my friend came in to town for a few days. It was great having him here and he helped me to enjoy sitting out in the yard as well as swimming again. We went out to eat, sat outside and talked at night, and even managed to drive by the beach at one point – we were planning to stop and go to the beach but time was running out before he had to leave to catch his plane and the beaches were packed anyway. On the way back I took him through this tiny little town I’d been through a few times before that has this somewhat odd kind of store in it. It’s almost a hippy kind of second hand shop. They have incense burning and all kinds of strange objects for sale as well as clothes. While looking through the store I happened upon an acoustic guitar (which I’d been wanting for some time), a Mitchell MD 100s. Being the nerd that I am I pulled out my blackberry and searched for reviews and prices online and found it to have high reviews. The price they had for it was very reasonable compared to what it was new so I decided to get it, in lieu of my aforementioned tattoo from a previous post. I try to play it every day if I can, but the problem is that I don’t know how to tune an acoustic guitar yet. My electric guitar is easy – just plug in the tuner and hit a string. I’ll have to do some research I guess.

This week has been undeniably one of the craziest since I started working at this place. We had three catastrophic site failures yesterday alone, and the prior days were long and stressful. It’s funny though, this is probably the fastest and most stressful job (work-wise) I’ve ever had but I love every minute of it. I just wish I was still a contractor sometimes getting those contractor dollars 🙂

This weekend we actually get as a three day holiday. Because of that I completely wasted today and did nothing – except for a couple loads of laundry. I got up after 10, took a nap this afternoon, and haven’t really ventured out anywhere at all. I haven’t even gotten out of my pajamas yet and it’s 10:30 at night! I was tempted to go to the Harley dealership because they had a big sale today, but I don’t really have the money to spend on the bike right now. I really want new pipes tho…. The next two days though I’m planning to do more. I’ve got the bug to do a little exploring. Pack up the dogs and drive somewhere, have lunch, and hopefully get out and stretch our legs a little. I kinda want to go fishing too, but we’ll see about that.

August 25, 2009

Great day in SoCal

Filed under: crazy woman,driving in LA,general topics,lapd — admin @ 11:03 pm

It was a really nice day today – I even left for work a little late so I could stay and enjoy the morning outside with the dogs. They are really such hams these days, so happy and always ready to play. I took a few extra breaks at work today to go out and enjoy the sunshine. Tonight is comfortable and cloudless. I took a long swim after I got home and just floated around while the dogs played. All-in-all not a bad day.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend. My friend comes in to town Friday night and is going to spend the whole weekend here. Unfortunately that means I need to pick up the pace on cleaning up the house, but I think I can get it done in time. Not sure exactly what we’re going to do yet but I have a couple of ideas that should be pretty fun.

August 22, 2009

“Gettin’ healthy”

Filed under: general topics — admin @ 8:42 pm

I have pretty much conceded the fact that she’s not even interested in coming back so I’m moving forward. I’m not even going to bother calling her on the weekends because she’s always out with “friends” living the social life.

It was pretty much a normal Saturday, for the most part. Gave myself a haircut and then I went to the bank, been trying to for a week now but haven’t had the time until today. Then I went to Barger Harley where I dropped off a backpack for a ride they are going on next weekend to give them to some foster kids. I have a friend coming into town next weekend so I won’t be able to go unfortunately, otherwise I’d definitely go. Hopefully I’ll be able to go on the next one.

While I was there I asked around for a reputable tattoo artist because I’m getting two new tattoos soon. One is going to be a tribal dolphin – because dolphins are free, smart, and have a great sense of humor. Tribal because of integrity and tradition. The other is a flaming skull with the words “Vitam ama quia mors sequitur” below it. Here’s a picture of what I want. I’m going to put it on the inside of my right forearm. I’m going to get the flames in color which will hopefully look pretty nifty. The text is in Latin and the meaning is below the image:

Love life because death follows

Love life because death follows

After that I started, finally, cleaning up the mass destruction that she left when she moved out. I’m about halfway done with it but it shouldn’t take too much longer to finish. Then I practiced on my guitar a little bit and now I’m sitting here blasting the metal channel on cable and drinking “dead lady” a beer. I don’t think the dogs are too happy about how loud the music is…. I’m probably going to practice on the guitar again later then do some work that I need to get done this weekend. Tomorrow I’m going to drive to La Jolla with the dogs – they love to go for rides and I love the houses. Maybe I’ll stop and get lunch somewhere and buy them a burger or something. Make it special for them since I haven’t been able to spend very much time with them.

It’s probably a good thing she left when she did otherwise she would have definitely left after how many hours I’ve been working this week. It’s a good thing for me tho, because it keeps my focus off of her and on something else.

August 9, 2009

The woman of my dreams

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 12:12 pm

About four and a half years ago the most important woman in my life found me on Friendster. I was looking for her but she managed to find me, and captivated me with a simple phrase – something to the effect of “I found your profile so funny, I think a little pee came out”. Magic. I still remember that day when I received the message from her. I was showing everyone at work.

We had a few days of exchanging emails before she asked me for my phone number and asked me out on a date. We ended up on a freight train romance that no one could stop. People tried, but no one succeeded. I blogged proudly of my new romance, boasted about my son, we took road trips every weekend – just pointed ourselves in a direction and drove until we decided to turn around. Flowers, little gifts, and lots of attention was the norm.

Somewhere along the way “the norm” became watching tv, a constant flow of home projects, and me working long hours. The bills owned us so we never went anywhere anymore, and we had moved to California leaving our families behind so there was no easy solution for babysitting. Needless to say, the romance had vanished.

Now I sit here alone in the house with my two dogs. A house with termites and a few big half finished projects, and with scattered debris from when she moved out. I don’t even have the motivation to clean it up. Why didn’t I treat my Ms. Wow better? Why did I end up taking her for granted?

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