D E M E N T E D P E N G U I N . N E T

September 27, 2009

One last try….

Filed under: general topics — Tags: — admin @ 12:17 am

Last week I talked to Nickey for the first time in about two weeks. We talked a few times during the week – thanks to Nickey’s sister Tomi, who said that Hayden was feeling that I had abandoned him. When I talked to him, he asked me if I was going to “quit on him”. Aww – I felt so bad. I have *really* been missing him a lot lately. I’ve been unsure of what to do as far as he’s concerned, thinking back to what it was like for me as a child and having to deal with things between my own divorced parents growing up. Part of me felt I needed to make a clean break since I’m sure Nickey will find someone new eventually who will take the lead role as “dad”, and another part of me didn’t want to just let him go like that. I guess when I got the email from Tomi the choice was made a little more vividly clear, and when I talked to Hayden and he asked me that I felt like a total heal for even considering the clean break option. Between my pending divorce and that I let him down as a father I feel like a total and complete failure at this point. Poor kid. I told Nickey once that anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad. I really let him down there.

His birthday is on October 4th and I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do for him. I already sent some money for his birthday and today I got him a way too expensive gift – of course it’s bought out of guilt for how I’ve been lately, but I feel like I have so much to make up for where he’s concerned. I drive past his old school in the mornings on my way to work and see all the kids out playing and I can’t help but think of him. I can’t even go in his room because I’m so ashamed of how this has, and will, affected him.

For the time being, I’ve set a schedule to call him every Sunday. It does somewhat mirror my own childhood schedule with my mom but instead of the first and third Sundays I’m going to try to make it every Sunday.

The reason for the title of this post is because during one of the conversations I had with Nickey (an hour and a half long one) I told her I wanted to ask a question, just to get it out there and make sure we were on the same page as far as our relationship goes. I asked if she thought there was any chance of our relationship being repaired at all. She said that if she could get a guarantee that things would be completely different then she’d be back in a heartbeat but she didn’t think that was possible, so no. I have to agree with her, I seriously can’t guarantee something like that. I would totally commit to trying, but to Nickey – “Trying is failing with honor”. So back to the plan to file again. How could I wait until I was 35 to get married, when I thought I might be grown up enough to do such a thing finaly, and fuck it up so bad.

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