D E M E N T E D P E N G U I N . N E T

September 27, 2009

One last try….

Filed under: general topics — Tags: — admin @ 12:17 am

Last week I talked to Nickey for the first time in about two weeks. We talked a few times during the week – thanks to Nickey’s sister Tomi, who said that Hayden was feeling that I had abandoned him. When I talked to him, he asked me if I was going to “quit on him”. Aww – I felt so bad. I have *really* been missing him a lot lately. I’ve been unsure of what to do as far as he’s concerned, thinking back to what it was like for me as a child and having to deal with things between my own divorced parents growing up. Part of me felt I needed to make a clean break since I’m sure Nickey will find someone new eventually who will take the lead role as “dad”, and another part of me didn’t want to just let him go like that. I guess when I got the email from Tomi the choice was made a little more vividly clear, and when I talked to Hayden and he asked me that I felt like a total heal for even considering the clean break option. Between my pending divorce and that I let him down as a father I feel like a total and complete failure at this point. Poor kid. I told Nickey once that anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad. I really let him down there.

His birthday is on October 4th and I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do for him. I already sent some money for his birthday and today I got him a way too expensive gift – of course it’s bought out of guilt for how I’ve been lately, but I feel like I have so much to make up for where he’s concerned. I drive past his old school in the mornings on my way to work and see all the kids out playing and I can’t help but think of him. I can’t even go in his room because I’m so ashamed of how this has, and will, affected him.

For the time being, I’ve set a schedule to call him every Sunday. It does somewhat mirror my own childhood schedule with my mom but instead of the first and third Sundays I’m going to try to make it every Sunday.

The reason for the title of this post is because during one of the conversations I had with Nickey (an hour and a half long one) I told her I wanted to ask a question, just to get it out there and make sure we were on the same page as far as our relationship goes. I asked if she thought there was any chance of our relationship being repaired at all. She said that if she could get a guarantee that things would be completely different then she’d be back in a heartbeat but she didn’t think that was possible, so no. I have to agree with her, I seriously can’t guarantee something like that. I would totally commit to trying, but to Nickey – “Trying is failing with honor”. So back to the plan to file again. How could I wait until I was 35 to get married, when I thought I might be grown up enough to do such a thing finaly, and fuck it up so bad.

September 18, 2009

The craziness of work, but it’s only going to get worse

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 5:26 am

As I’ve mentioned before, where I work is now in hyper crunch mode. We are going live on the 22nd of this month and things are no where near ready, at least as far as I can see. Today I had to leave the dogs alone for 16.5 hours because it was one hellatious day, I left at 10am in the morning and didn’t get home until 4:30am today. I spent 6 hours at the datacenter in the morning setting up systems, battled for 4 hours with a web server in the afternoon (which ended up winning unfortunately), then another 5 hours at the datacenter after that. No lunch, a couple of smoke breaks, and back and forth to the datacenter a few times. It’s a good thing I love what I do…. I really feel bad for the dogs tho, they didn’t get to eat dinner until almost 5am.

September 15, 2009

Work and life

Filed under: general topics — admin @ 12:16 am

Seems like as the weeks go by things are getting crazier at work. Lately I haven’t been able to leave before 10:30 and I’m working on the weekends more and more. I’ll probably have to go in at least one day this coming weekend. Management is under the impression that after the game releases at the end of this month that things will start to quiet down after two weeks. None of us are fooled however, and we know it will be months before all the “hotfixes” and bugs are all sorted out. We’ve been searching for months now for another systems administrator to help out and now that we have two weeks until the game launches it’s seemingly a futile endeavor. Who would have thought that with the talented pool of professionals in L.A. that we still have not found anyone to fill the job. We’re finding that people are either a) completely crazy, b) lazy, c) not technical enough, or d) don’t have the personality to fit our company culture. If you’re reading this and think you have what it might take to work here, drop me a line – PLEASE.

I helped out my neighbor last weekend with installing WordPress on his Mac. I’ve never used a Mac before so it was really a learning experience for both of us. He was quite generous in his payment for my services by bbq’ing me a nice slab of salmon, wine, and a cigar. Being a former native of the Seattle area it makes complete sense that I love salmon. I would eat it every day if I could. There might be a point where I’ll need his help because I recently got a Samsung netbook through work (so I can be even more available) and I set aside a partition to install MacOS. I found a cool “Hackintosh” website (don’t have the link atm or I’d post it) that tells how to do the installation. I’ve been wanting to dable more in BSD as well as Mac’s, so it just sort of makes sense to give it a try. My biggest road block to getting a Mac has always been the price of their laptops, so this would be a great way to circumvent that. Most of the engineering team where I work use Mac’s so it would also help me to support them. I’ll post my progress on that – if there is any.

I’ve been practicing every day on the guitar and I think I’m slowly getting more fluid. I also finaly figured out how to tune my acoustic guitar, which is surprisingly easy to do. Here’s a great link: http://www.howtotuneaguitar.org/tuning/how-to-tune/ . I’m not ready to go on tour or anything, but hopefully I’ll get good enough that I could “jam” some day.

The house is almost completely cleaned up now. There’s mostly the sunroom left to clean, as well as some stuff that I need to decide if I need to donate, store, or throw out now. I’m thinking of painting next, but money is becoming a huge issue lately. After paying a ton of bills this past weekend and seeing the end balance in my account it is becoming rapidly clear that I need to re-re-re-evaluate my spending habits and pare them back even more. I can’t even afford to file for the divorce now. I’ll find a way but it may take some time unfortunately. It’s like a noose around my neck lately and it really needs to be done.

The dogs and the cat are all healthy and (seemingly) happy. The cat and I actually get along pretty well, which is strange because we really didn’t get along before. At least she has plenty of freedom, but I feel bad for the dogs. They have been amazingly good considering I’ve left them in the house for as much as 15 hours at a time. I try to leave as early as I can from work but, like I said, it’s been really crazy lately. They are really troopers and it’s so nice to come home and see how excited they are. They jump all over me and give me lots of love. I wonder where I’d be right now without them.

This past weekend I made a list of what I want from life. I think part of my problem over the last few years has been focus related – in every sense. I’m trying to come up with a list of what I want from life, what I feel I need in order to actually be happy. It’s obviously going to be a work in progress based on where I’m at and what’s going on at that time, but I’m trying to set the foundation vision for my future. Think of it as a mission statement for my life if you will. Oddly enough my strongest personality trait – “detective” – plays no part in my future. Wonder what that means….

One nice thing about everything that’s been going on lately is that I now have a whole new (well, old) wardrobe. I can now fit into clothes that I wore 4 years ago. I’ve lost about 25 pounds total now and am hoping to lose another 20 or so. It seems I’ve hit a bit of a plateau though, so we’ll see how it goes. If I can be more consistent about working out then I think I’ll break over the cliff of the plateau and hit my goal. I try to work out in the mornings but the past week I’ve been sleeping through my alarms. I don’t know what that’s all about….

Until next time – live the life you deserve, desire, and really need. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Words I have yet to live by.

September 5, 2009

New adventures

Filed under: general topics — admin @ 10:41 pm

In my last update I mentioned that I was going to go to La Jolla with the dogs. We did make the trip, although when I realized just how far it was going to be I almost decided not to go. But I know the dogs love their car rides so I decided to go after all – in the name of adventure. When we got there it was close to being a parking lot so we didn’t get to see as much as I’d planned to, but the puppies did get to enjoy a chicken sandwich like I promised them.

The following weekend (last weekend) my friend came in to town for a few days. It was great having him here and he helped me to enjoy sitting out in the yard as well as swimming again. We went out to eat, sat outside and talked at night, and even managed to drive by the beach at one point – we were planning to stop and go to the beach but time was running out before he had to leave to catch his plane and the beaches were packed anyway. On the way back I took him through this tiny little town I’d been through a few times before that has this somewhat odd kind of store in it. It’s almost a hippy kind of second hand shop. They have incense burning and all kinds of strange objects for sale as well as clothes. While looking through the store I happened upon an acoustic guitar (which I’d been wanting for some time), a Mitchell MD 100s. Being the nerd that I am I pulled out my blackberry and searched for reviews and prices online and found it to have high reviews. The price they had for it was very reasonable compared to what it was new so I decided to get it, in lieu of my aforementioned tattoo from a previous post. I try to play it every day if I can, but the problem is that I don’t know how to tune an acoustic guitar yet. My electric guitar is easy – just plug in the tuner and hit a string. I’ll have to do some research I guess.

This week has been undeniably one of the craziest since I started working at this place. We had three catastrophic site failures yesterday alone, and the prior days were long and stressful. It’s funny though, this is probably the fastest and most stressful job (work-wise) I’ve ever had but I love every minute of it. I just wish I was still a contractor sometimes getting those contractor dollars 🙂

This weekend we actually get as a three day holiday. Because of that I completely wasted today and did nothing – except for a couple loads of laundry. I got up after 10, took a nap this afternoon, and haven’t really ventured out anywhere at all. I haven’t even gotten out of my pajamas yet and it’s 10:30 at night! I was tempted to go to the Harley dealership because they had a big sale today, but I don’t really have the money to spend on the bike right now. I really want new pipes tho…. The next two days though I’m planning to do more. I’ve got the bug to do a little exploring. Pack up the dogs and drive somewhere, have lunch, and hopefully get out and stretch our legs a little. I kinda want to go fishing too, but we’ll see about that.

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